I think that one of the hardest thing about being a mother is coming to terms with the fact that it really does change you. Or at least, it changed me. I used to always want to be a career woman, would imagine myself a CEO of a large company, being interviewed by Fortune magazine with a closet full of Armani suits and Prada shoes. And now...I don't really know, but I feel like I've lost a lot of my ambitions and feel envious when I see women strolling about town with their kids during the day, even though I used to look at them with pity, thinking how boring their lives must be. I've even felt envious of receptionships and Account Payable clerks of my clients 'cause they get to leave and go home a 5PM everyday, can take a sick day without having to make up the lost time over the weekend or at night. Who cares if they make $8/hour (especially when I probably make the same now given the amount of hours I work).
Sometimes the urge to just be home with Kubus is so strong it makes me want to cry at work...now mind you, I think a large part of it is because I just don't like my job. I am grateful for it and there are some good things about it, don't get me wrong. But on the whole, I really resent my job from keeping me away from Kubus all day - I just feel like its not worth it, even though I KNOW its just a stepping stone, that it will look good on my resume, that I've learned a lot, blah blah. I think at this point, the only thing that is keeping me from quitting is the fact that Jordan is in school now, so we wouldn't have any other income.
Having Kubus has made me realize that I want a job that that can be flexible enough so that I can spend as much time with him as possible. I no longer see the late nights as an investment in my career, the way I used to. If having that life, being that "career woman" requires me to forego all that time with my son, then I don't want it any more. I am not saying that I actually want to be a receptionist - but I know now that whatever I do end up doing , it HAS to be Kubus friendly.
I have to admit, it has all been a bit depressing for me though, to come to that realization. I honestly feel like a bit of a cliche now and I miss the old, ambitious me. I still have some of it left, its just scaled down. I think I need to change my career though - I think it is the root of my actual lack of ambition and having Kubus just highlighted it for me because I do read about women how love their jobs, who couldn't wait to get back to work after they had their kids and don't feel (that) guilty about leaving them everyday. I just need to find it soon because I'm thisclose to picking a favorite soap to start watching once Jordan graduates and gets a job.
MOVED!
15 years ago